10 COMMON FARTS RE-DEFINED

The art of farting and the ability to find humor in such natural bodily functions has been as controversial as it has been entertaining. Some find it impolite, immature, and unsanitary, but to me farts are funny. Farts have always been funny. Farts will always be funny. Long Live The Fart! So without being too long winded... I'll just get on with it and you can decide for yourself if you are a fart fan too.

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED

• CRACK SLAPPER: The sound of this passing gas usually comes as a surprise to the owner (who thinks it will be discrete). While wearing tight fitting clothing in a seated position, air is forced up through butt crack, escaping at the top of pants making a loud slapping noise in 2-3 second intervals.

• RUPTURED DUCK: Occurring usually in the mornings on the way to the loo. Because there is a large amount of pressure built up overnight during sleep, air is pushed through a tightly held anus, making a sound similar to a duck if one were to sit on it.

• GURGLER: Usually mistaken for the poop-n-pants. However, to the delight of their owners there is no follow-through even though the owner still finds the need to check at first given chance.

• TOXIC MANGROVE: This will almost certainly clear any room of occupants on exit . In the near future, if manufactured and bottled, this concentrated and extremely hot crowd dispersal gas may soon become the next big thing in personal safety devices.

• SURGICAL STRIKE: This form of cruel and unusual punishment usually occurs while approaching a seat in the middle of a crowded theatre after the show has commenced. Like a cluster bomb, this form of attack affects everyone in it's path along the isle victims have no form of escape.

• THE BOWLER: Gas is passed into a cupped hand and quickly sealed with remaining hand and in a bowling motion (like in cricket player) the fart is catapulted to the unsuspecting victim at such a velocity that a distance of 4-5 feet is possible, giving the farter a head start to escape from the angry victim after his/her state of shock has worn off.

• DEAL BREAKER: This time honoured tradition is practised by many over the age of 40, who are usually academics with bad hygiene, and still sporting over-styled hair. This first-date-farter is under the assumption that superficiality is only for immature individuals who do not understand the body's natural functions...no kidding...and they think they are single by choice.

• INERTIAL DAMPENER: The victim of this unfortunate fart is the owner. Occurring after overconsumption of alcohol and/or warm-climate, third-world food, this embarrassing accident can occur at any time or any place and is accompanied by sharp stomach pains and/or noises. Many times the owner is unable to prevent this wet fart from occurring and is unaware it has been delivered until standing, thereby making anonymity impossible and setting oneself into a spiral of poopy-pants jokes for years to come by witnessing friends.

• MUD SHARK: Mostly found in bathtubs occupied by young children, this occurs because of a common misconception by youngsters that underwater farting is safe regardless of a backlog pressure.

• CHARLIE: This commonly occurs in shy women and grandmothers who are adapt at throwing their farts and blaming them on others (especially dogs). Similar to a ventriloquist, these skilled individuals can keep a straight face at all times whilst heeding to avoiding detection.

By E. K Beck